Trying To Let Go

• Knowledge, attitudes, practice
• Attitude to death
• Grief
• Physician's role

Just the other day, I was in an intensive care unit in St. Louis, Missouri, evaluating a patient for a gastrostomy tube. Apparently, the patient had suffered an in-hospital cardiac arrest. The nurse began to give me more of the details. “After a prolonged, 1- to 2-hour code.  …” Then it happened again: My mind began to wander.

It was 20 years ago in Philadelphia. I was a second-year resident in internal medicine, doing my training in a small community hospital affiliated with one of the area universities. I was only 28 years old. I had just lain down to rest after another long night putting out medical fires. Suddenly, I was awakened by a code blue in the emergency room. It was 6:00 a.m., and …